Impotent rage!

[miladycarol]

Urrgh! I'm sad. So sad. And there's not a lot I can do about it.

I signed up to become a mentor for older foster kids in the local system. These are kids who are likely never to be adopted because of their age but need more personalized attention from adults who can be a good influence upon them.

After all the forms, the fingerprints, the background checks, the interviews and the time it took to match me, I finally have a child to mentor. Her name is Crystol. I met her last week on Tuesday. I was able to spend only 1.5 hours with her on Friday. Her foster mom is, I got the feeling, a bit overwhelmed. She has 5 kids in her house. Crystol is the youngest. All of them have school, caseworker appointments, psychologist appointments, church activities... and now mentors.

I called her today to make a date with Crystol at her convenience and she told me that she dropped all the mentorships for all her kids.

I'm so completely crushed and upset. Those poor kids. They've already met their mentors and now they won't have them anymore. I'm so sad about this I'm having trouble focusing on my work. This is me writing out my frustration.

I totally grok that the mom is overwhelmed and it's her right and responsibility. I understand. It's her call to make. She's doing the best she can. I'm not mad at anyone. I've done nothing wrong, so I have no guilt. She's coping as best she can. That's the biggest thing for me. To be so full of the sadness at the unfairness of it all for Crystal and have nowhere to direct it.

Crystol is wonderful. I really, really like her. I think of her a LOT. I have made plans and put together activities for our next visit together. Crystol has been through constant change and uprooting in her short life and I am so enraged that I'm just another figure that passes by her for a brief span of time. Just another adult that didn't stick around. And not by my own choice.

~ 1 hour later. ~

I've called the woman who facilitates the mentorship program and explained my concerns. She's been working for the past few days to figure out some resolution. She shares my frustration for these kids to have these adults that want to share their time with them put into their path and then to suddenly have their paths changed, yet again. She's been working with case workers and DHS to remedy the situation. I'll know more in a week.

I feel for the foster mom. It's a lot of pressure and she has a lot of kids to juggle. I hope they all work something out that benefits everyone concerned. My personal bias is that I can continue to see Crystol. We share interests and I'm so incredibly excited to work with her. I will abide by the decisions of the powers that be, yet I truly hope I'll be able to continue to be a presence for her. If she is removed from the program, I've asked that I be allowed to write her a letter or see her one more time. I don't want to be just one more adult that fails her, I want her to understand that I would be excited to see her if I'm allowed and, since she knows where I live, she can feel free to contact me in the future. Even if that is years from now.

*crosses fingers and waits*

Comments

[winnett.livejournal.com]

I've been thinking of doing the same thing, getting involved with kids. I hope things work out with this woman, her life does sound stressful.

[miladycarol.livejournal.com]

Me too. Me too. Thank you.

[karjack.livejournal.com]

It's very big of you to not be upset at the foster mother. However, I am angry about this, and I'm angry at her.

You see, no one put a gun to her head and said, "You take care of these five children." She chose to juggle five lives in constant need, five lives who would benefit from the stability of a foster mother who follows through on her commitment to the mentor program and every other activity she signs up them up for. Those five lives did not have a choice, but she did.

Yes, she's busy. Yes, she's overwhelmed, but she chose to be, and now that she realizes it's too much, who pays? The five little lives who didn't have a choice.

So yeah. It's very generous of you not to be angry at her, and while I'm not without sympathy for her situation, I'm not impressed. It's a situation she orchestrated by biting off more than she could chew.

[miladycarol.livejournal.com]

Perhaps, perhaps not. I'm not going to judge because I don't know her situation in all it's vivid technicolour. It isn't going to help if I direct anger at any one person when I don't have all the facts. I'm just upset for the kids and I'm doing everything I can to cooperate and make this work for everyone. I've talked with the foster mom. She's a nice lady and I believe she is doing her best.

I wrote my monthly report for January based on my 1.5 hours (I've promised a minimum of 10 hours per month, and I want to see that happen if possible). I asked Christina, the coordinator, if it would be helpful for the case worker to have the report before they decide what to do and she agreed it might help. So I wrote my observations, the commonalities and all the things I had planned to work on with Crystol based on our brief time together. I know I can work with this young lady and I know I'd be a good presence in her life.

I am doing what I can to fulfill my promise to her and to assist the other young folk in question to keep their mentors, too, without pushing anyone's buttons or making it more difficult for the household to function. It would be really unfortunate if any of those kids were moved again if it weren't to their true benefit. Twelve homes when by one's 11th year of life is horrible.

However, I do appreciate your anger. You weren't witness to my angry pacing and smashing of a few pillows on the bed. I had already vented and calmed before I wrote this and made the call to Christina. I've got a bucket full of steam to walk off and it's already too dark for Mt. Pisgah.

[karjack.livejournal.com]

This whole thing has made me think about anger in general, and how we're always so careful about how and where we direct it, as if the very act of feeling angry is a bad thing, or at best a guilty pleasure we're only allowed to dole out preciously and only if we feel completely justified in the eyes of ourselves and our peers.

I don't prescribe to that.

Anger is fine. Anger is natural. Anger is. Even if your anger isn't at all remotely fair (you're right, I don't know the woman's situation) it is okay to feel it. Even if she's a great woman who does astounding things. Even if she shits sunshine and pisses rainbows, I am not a puppy-stomping nun-killer for being mad at her over this. You can be legitimately angry at the best damn smurfiest person it the world. Anger is not a thought crime. It is a valid human emotion.

What isn't okay is using that anger in a destructive fashion. When I say I'm angry at this woman, that isn't the same as saying I wish anything bad on her, or that I would orchestrate harm on her, or that I would take pleasure on any that just happened to occur. Far from it. But I am angry that these kids are losing something important, and -- whatever the reason -- it is because of her choices, not theirs. I believe she is doing the very best she believes she can at this time. But I'm still mad at her for yanking their mentor program.

And here's the beautiful thing: the fact that I'm angry doesn't even hurt her. Not one bit. No harm done.

Having said that, I think the best possible thing here is to have compassion for her situation, and to work within it to reach whatever positive happy medium one can, for the kids if nothing else.

I guess what I'm saying is that it's okay to be mad at someone, even if they didn't do whatever they did with the intent of hurting you. Even if they had good reasons. So, you know, I'm more than happy to bring the mad. I defy you to find anyone who knows me who'll say I'm not good at it. ;)

[miladycarol.livejournal.com]

You are my sister and there's no one I'd rather have at my back bringing the mad than you. I love when we work ourselves up to towering parapets of rage over coffee or burritos. We feel similarly about many things. In this matter, too, I agree. It took me a while to turn my rage into something manageable. I hate injustice. It's one of the reasons I keep my media intake to a minimum. It just ruins my day and there's largely nothing I can do about it. I prefer to learn about the ones I can effect. This is why I'm in this mentorship program. I'm here to help change a great injustice.

Christina kept apologizing to me that all this had to come to a head around me. I explained that it's probably better that it happen to me than others simply because I know I'm not going to fly off the handle. I didn't even call Christina until I had a firm grip on my emotions to find out the next step.

Every day is a new lesson in learning how to manage my hot-head Italian temper and cultivating patience. It must be important because the Universe has seen fit to throw plenty of these opportunities at me. *half grin*

[cmdr-zoom.livejournal.com]

I hope that this works out well for you and for Crystol.

[miladycarol.livejournal.com]

Me too. I'm even more adamant that it works out well for Crystol with or without me in her life. I'd gladly sacrifice my presence if it made things better for her.

Thank you.

[chiaslut.livejournal.com]

You are just so much awesome.

[miladycarol.livejournal.com]

Awww, thanks. *hugs*

[lurkitty.livejournal.com]

*crosses fingers for you*

I know how much you were anticipating working with Crystol. I am so sad this happened! I know the system is an awful one. I hope it works out for both of you.

*hugs*

[miladycarol.livejournal.com]

I'm choosing to put faith into the system and to believe that this came to a head to help make the lives of these kids better. I don't know what that looks like, but I have faith it will be a long-term improvement.

Still, I'd rather see it end with Crystol still in my life. *guilty, selfish blush*