Oh no, not again

[miladycarol]

Before I begin this narrative, allow me to tell you a story. When George and I visited my Ma in Texas a few years back, we all went to the Houston Space Center. George and I went to see an IMAX movie by ourselves while Ma waited in the Center. We were sitting, before the movie started, chatting about things, giggling a bit, and we gave each other a very quick kiss on the lips. Next thing we knew, the back of our chairs were being kicked. We turned sharply and this older, very unhappy looking woman seated behind us began reprimanding us about “that kind of unseemly public behaviour” and a few other pieces of her mind. George and I were absolutely stunned. So stunned, that we were absolutely immobile. It was an interesting blend of feelings that passed through my system, thoughts like: I’m a lawful good character, and I apparently offended someone’s sense of what is appropriate; I am a four year old child and I am being reprimanded for a wrongdoing; oh goodness, a religious zealot who hasn’t felt affection in decades is going to drag us kicking and screaming to the Spanish Inquisition… you know, thoughts like that.

The movie started and during it, all we could do was think of all the things we should have said and done in response to the kick. We came up with quite a list. When we turned around after the movie, she was gone. We spent hours, nay, days, plotting what we would do if we were ever kicked and reprimanded again. We told our friends, and they came up with other things we could have done and said. We could write a book.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday we had Belinda’s car and we did some errands. George, aMa (that’s the Chinese name for Mother), and myself piled into the car and went to Cabramatta, the suburb that is absolutely wall to wall Vietnamese. This is where aMa is most at home. She knows just about everyone there from doing business with them for so many years when she was running the garlic import business. We had lunch, did some shopping and all was well, until…

We were waiting for aMa outside a grocery store and we were chatting and giggling and then we kissed briefly on the lips. Suddenly, George was smacked lightly from behind and there were words. I was confused briefly, then she reprimanded me in English. Chinese don’t kiss… at least, not in public. And there we were, standing in a public sidewalk showing affection. A very embarrassing situation for her since she knows everyone there. So there it was. Figuratively speaking, the back of our chair was kicked again for the very same offence. We should have been in our glory. We were prepared, after all. We had rehearsed scenes, the tone of voice, the arching of eyebrows… all in preparation that this unlikely moment would happen again. So, what did we do when George’s Mother reprimanded us? We both hung our heads and stared at the sidewalk while meekly following her to the car. Completely cowed. *sigh*

Comments

[kittekaat.livejournal.com]

Chinese don't show affection in public, but you are not Chinese, and you were not in China.

When I was in high school, I held hands with my boyfriend at a movie and my parents reacted as though I had thrown off my clothes and fucked him right there in the aisle.

I decided then and there that it was their problem, not mine.

Re:

[miladycarol.livejournal.com]

I agree. I have already enforced the idea that their superstitions are not mine, the way they eat is not the best for me and that I have my own style of doing things, whether they approve or not. But, I also acknowledge that, at the moment, I am living in their house and their rules and ways of doing things deserve my deference and respect when it doesn't conflict with my morals or logic. Part of the problems I've been having here is trying to relearn how to do things their way. I have successfully been washing dishes most of my life, but they do it differently here and I have re-learned in their style for the time I'm in their house. I have had to do almost every mundane thing in a differnet way so as not to upset the apple cart. It has been challenging. I'm not going to stop kissing George in public, I'm just going to have to make an effort not to do it in a very Asian dominant public place, especially where his family is well known. I feel to do otherwise would be disrespectful. I'm already not their idea of the ideal daughter-in-law and they have had to make concessions to try to accept me into the family, I am trying my best to not step on toes. I'm already working up the proper callouses from walking on eggshells, I'm thankful that they are going easy on me. I'm learning new skills, new methods of doing routine things, and I'm excercising some patience muscles I didn't know I hadn't used. In the end, I'm sure it will pay off. His family are of the highest callibur, I need to learn enough of their ways to get to the level where they can relax and begin to appreciate the real me. Then, the whole family can relax and be a family. I'm hoping this high tension period will not last too long, but I'm willing to work hard and ride it out.

Has your Mom relaxed a bit? It seemed so at the wedding. We'll have to sit and chat when I get back. I have a far greater cultural appreciation and would love to hear stories of how your very Vietnamese Mother learned to accept your westernized ways.

[kittekaat.livejournal.com]

My mom has had to relax. She has relaxed most over the years since her and my #!&* dad divorced. Turns out he was the uptight one. And he's American, with no excuse at all. Anyway, I gave no quarter as a teen and she just had to deal. I am more rspectful now, of course, but she is also a lot more relaxed and westernized herself.

I understand your tricky situation, what with needing to honor you in-laws and all that. When do you and George plan on moving into your own place? I am sure that things will be a lot easier then. Asian in-laws are kinda rough, even on Asians. I can only imagine how weird it must be for you and for them.

When I told my mother that I was going to live with Jon's parents, she about cried and begged me not to. Her reason was because in VN daughters-in-law always go live with their husband's parents and more often than not, they get treated worse than the family dog once they are there. They have to assume all the housework and cooking plus take care of the elders, the children, and the husband. It took a few years for my mom to realize that it was not like that, was not going to be like that, for me to live here.

Re:

[miladycarol.livejournal.com]

Weird is one of the appropriate descriptive words. Others include tense, miscommunication, intense, resigned patience... they are trying really hard, but I'm still this shakey fifth wheel and they don't know what to do with me... and I am having trouble figuring out how to roll in line with them. *sigh*

Houses are out of this world expensive here so we decided to rent for a while before we buy. We want to take our time looking. If we are going to be rediculously in debt, we might as well find the perfect place. We figured it would be silly to rent a place and be paying rent for the 3 months we would be in Eugene, so we'll wait until we get back in May to find a place out here. The puppies will still be in quarantine and we'll have the place set up for them by the time we can spring them. I don't want to burden The Family with my babies. They have a small one of their own. Our own space will be supremely helpful in allowing me to have a sacred space to ground and maintain my sanity. That is the biggest challenge for me now. If I can have some alone time and work on my energy, I have a much easier time working with them. If I'm too tapped out, I make things more corrosive. So much to learn.